All the world certainly fears it; but my imagination has
such a dread of solitude, my friends are so necessary to me, to
support and animate me, and to turn my attention to a new
perspective when I sink under the intensity of painful sensations,
that never has death presented itself to me under such terrible
features as a prisoner a dungeon, where I might remain for years
without ever hearing a friendly voice. I have been told that one of
the Spaniards who defended Saragossa with the most astonishing
intrepidity, utters the most dreadful shrieks in the tower at
Vincennes, where he is kept confined; so much does this frightful
solitude affect even the most energetic minds! Besides, I could not
disguise from myself that I was not courageous; I have a bold
imagination, but a timid character, and all kinds of perils appear
to me like phantoms. The species of talent which I possess brings
images to me with such living freshness, that if the beauties of
nature are improved by it, dangers are made more dreadful. Sometimes
I was afraid of a prison, sometimes of robbers, if I was obliged to
go through Turkey, in the event of Russia being shut against me by
political combinations: sometimes also the immense sea which I must
cross between Constantinople and London, filled me with terror for
my daughter and myself. Nevertheless I had always the wish to
depart; an inward feeling of boldness excited me to it; but I might
say, like a well known Frenchman, "I tremble at the dangers to which
my courage is about to expose me.
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