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Shaw, George Bernard, 1856-1950

"Heartbreak House"


THE BURGLAR. He don't belong to my branch, Captain. There's two
sets in the family: the thinking Dunns and the drinking Dunns,
each going their own ways. I'm a drinking Dunn: he's a thinking
Dunn. But that didn't give him any right to shoot me.
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER. So you've turned burglar, have you?
THE BURGLAR. No, Captain: I wouldn't disgrace our old sea calling
by such a thing. I am no burglar.
LADY UTTERWORD. What were you doing with my diamonds?
GUINNESS. What did you break into the house for if you're no
burglar?
RANDALL. Mistook the house for your own and came in by the wrong
window, eh?
THE BURGLAR. Well, it's no use my telling you a lie: I can take
in most captains, but not Captain Shotover, because he sold
himself to the devil in Zanzibar, and can divine water, spot
gold, explode a cartridge in your pocket with a glance of his
eye, and see the truth hidden in the heart of man. But I'm no
burglar.
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER. Are you an honest man?
THE BURGLAR. I don't set up to be better than my
fellow-creatures, and never did, as you well know, Captain. But
what I do is innocent and pious. I enquire about for houses where
the right sort of people live. I work it on them same as I worked
it here. I break into the house; put a few spoons or diamonds in
my pocket; make a noise; get caught; and take up a collection.


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