He ought to have reflected
on that before, not after I had sacrificed my all for his love! I
was well-nigh distracted by this confirmation of his inconstancy;
and I wonder to this day how I retained the use of my reason under
such circumstances of horror and despair! My grief laid aside all
decorum and restraint; I told my father that S-- was dying, and
that I would visit him with all expedition.
"Startled at the proposal, this careful parent demonstrated the
fatal consequence of such an unguarded step, reminded me of the
difficulty with which he had prevailed upon my mother and uncle to
forgive my former imprudence, observed that his intention was to
carry me into the country next day, in order to effect a perfect
reconciliation; but now I was on the brink of forfeiting all
pretensions to their regard, by committing another fatal error, which
could not possibly be retrieved; and that, for his part, whatever
pangs it might cost him, he was resolved to banish me from his
sight for ever.
"While he uttered this declaration, the tears trickled down his cheeks,
and he seemed overwhelmed with the keenest sorrow and mortification;
so it may be easily conceived what were the impressions of my grief,
reinforced with the affliction of a father whom I dearly loved, and
the consciousness of being the cause of all his disquiet! I was
struck dumb with remorse and woe; and, when I recovered the use
of speech, I told him how sensible I was of his great goodness and
humanity, and owned how little I deserved his favour and affection;
that the sense of my own unworthiness was one cause of my present
distraction; for such was the condition of my fate, that I must either
see S-- or die.
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