I said, though I could not expect his forgiveness,
I was surely worthy of his compassion; that nothing but the most
irresistible passion could have misled me at first from my duty, or
tempted me to incur the least degree of his displeasure; that the
same fatal influence still prevailed, and would, in all probability,
continue to the grave, which was the only abode in which I hoped
for peace.
"While I expressed myself in this manner, my dear good father wept
with the most tender sympathy, and, saying I might do as I pleased,
for he had done with me, quitted the room, leaving me to the
cruel sensations of my own heart, which almost burst with anguish,
upbraiding me with a fault which I could not help committing.
I immediately hired a chariot and six, and would have set out by
myself, had not my father's affection, which all my errors could
not efface, provided an attendant. He saw me quite delirious and
desperate; and therefore engaged a relation of my own to accompany
and take care of me in this rash expedition.
"During this journey, which lasted two days, I felt no remission
of grief and anxiety, but underwent the most intolerable sorrow and
suspense.
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