To herself she seemed powerless; it
appeared to her, when she reflected on it consciously, that it was merely
a question as to which part of her soul would tear first, as to which
ultimately retained her. She began to be terrified at solitude; the
thought of the coming night, with its long hours of questioning and
torment until the dawn, haunted her during the day. She would read in her
room, or remain at her prayers, in the hopes of distracting herself from
the struggle, until sleep seemed the supreme necessity: then, when she
lay down, sleep would flap its wings in mockery and flit away, leaving
her wide-awake staring at the darkness of the room or of her own eyelids,
until the windows began to glimmer and the cocks to crow from farm
buildings.
In spite of her first resolve to fight the battle alone, she soon found
herself obliged to tell Mistress Margaret all that was possible; but she
felt that to express her sheer need of Hubert, as she thought it, was
beyond her altogether. How could a nun understand?
"My darling," said the old lady, "it would not be Calvary without the
darkness; and you cannot have Christ without Calvary. Remember that the
Light of the World makes darkness His secret place; and so you see that
if you were able to feel that any human soul really understood, it would
mean that the darkness was over. I have suffered that Night twice myself;
the third time I think, will be in the valley of death."
Isabel only half understood her; but it was something to know that others
had tasted the cup too; and that what was so bitter was not necessarily
poisonous.
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